Field Guide To Moscow

Trophia Minigarchia

Minigarch's Wife

Habitat: window shopping on ul. Tverskaya; Shokolod Cafe or Vanil'; back of chauffeur-driven black Mercedes or Range Rover.

Distinguishing Features: over $50,000 worth of jewelry on body at any given time; look on face "like jou aven been fucked in a year"

Danger if Provoked: moderate to extreme, depending on presence of bodyguard (see below)

Mortal Weakness: anything that costs too much money

Comments: The Minigarch Wife is easily recognizable by her natural physical beauty and the hallmarks of her expensive lifestyle.

Trophia minigarcha is typically initally chosen for sex appeal but is quickly relegated to child-rearing duty as soon as her husband finds a suitably hot 17-year-old replacement at Downtown or Park Avenue. In the wild, this species often can be seen with a Flathead Bodyguard (flatheadus protectus) whose job is both to protect trophia minigarcha from kidnapping attempts as well as to prevent her from outsourcing her husband's marital duties to other, more willing providers.

Soldatus Malnutritius

Teenage Soldier

Habitat: metro; Red Square; near famous monuments

Distinguishing Features: camoflauge; bored, expressionless face; metal detector; occasional twitches caused by hunger pangs

Danger if Provoked: medium to high, depending on blood sugar level

Mortal Weaknesses: strong gusts of wind; will let anything slide for 100-ruble bribe

Comments: The teenage soldier can be easily found in many locations in Central Moscow. In the wild, soldatus malnutritius is often spotted in packs

of two to five, occasionally accompanied by a large bomb-sniffing dog and asking for cigarettes. This species is usually docile and poses little threat to the observer, unless said observer is drunk, has Caucasian features, or is an easy target for a bribe shakedown (see turistus americanus).

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(Taken from "the eXile", Moscow-based alternative newspaper)