Distinguishing features: Pasty hairdo; fleshy face and fat fingers; expensive suit material poorly cut; beady, bloodshot eyes; loud voice. Sly grin when you offer to settle a matter 'po chelovecheski.
Habitat: His dilapidated office. Expensive restaurants. Dachas.
Danger if Provoked: Extremely high. Warning! Chinovnikus Avaritia is extremely sensitive to every minor Russian law, code and regulation, unless he is appeased with gifts. Furthermore, he does not like foreigners, unless they offer gifts. Mortal Weaknesses: Vulnerable to periodic anti-corruption drives; jealous subordinates; sometimes victim if his boss is aligned with a 'wrong faction.
Comments: Chinovnikus Avaritia has only one role, and that is to cause problems for other inhabitants, problems which only he can solve. Once problem is 'solved,' he will in time create another problem, which will be even more expensive to 'solve.
Prodavschitsia Climacteria
Produkty Store Clerk
Distinguishing features: 30 year old woman who looks 60; fat, angry face, gingivitis; heavy makeup; ugly mole; hair bleached three months ago; frilly apron; permanent scowl.
Habitat: Behind counters and cashier windows of any establishment where cash changes hands; prevalent where food, vodka, Chinese electronics, and other necessities are available.
Danger if Provoked: Medium. If you do not have exact change, Prodavschitsia Climacteria will often refuse to accept your money or force you to buy cheap candy to cover the difference. Mortal Weaknesses: Still dreaming of a prince on a white horse who will carry her away from the produkty.
Comments: Like crows and pigeons, Prodavschitsia Climacteria is a highly adaptable, essential part of the harsh Moscow ecosystem. Thanks to conservation efforts, she will continue to thrive.
Onagus Khayastanicus
Caucasian Taxi Driver
Distinguishing Features: Speaks with nearly unintelligible accent, and punctuates sentences with definite article ‘blya.' Rasping cough from smoking 4 packs of Russkii Stil' a day. Apparent death wish manifested in driving habits.
Habitat: Behind the steering wheels of Moscow gypsy cabs. Squatting in a circle of other cab drivers outside of bars, restaurants and train stations.
Danger if Provoked: High. Even though dimunitive in size, angering the species with talk of Caucuses politics may result in his already-reckless driving style becoming suicidal. Do not, under any circumstances, suggest an alternative route.
Mortal Weaknesses: Poor knowledge of Moscow road system can result in agreeing to drive out to Mozhaisk for 150 rubles. Comments: This species densely populates urban Moscow. Despite poor familiarity with Moscow roads, he has encyclopedic knowledge of tochki (prostitutes location - Spirit-of -Moscow.com), which he will happily share with you.
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