Distinguishing features: Thin, hurried, young, with fashionably messy hair and androgynous boutique clothes; always rushing about; permanent snarl.
Habitat: All high-priced Novikov restaurants, and other establishments which try to immitate his restaurants. As yet, no Asinus Vasallus has been spotted in the wild.
Danger if Provoked: Zero. Asinus Vasallus will sneer at you no matter who you are or how you treat him. Mortal Weaknesses: Asinus Vasallus, although physically slight, is protected by the fact that the homophobic Russian clientelle has absolutely no idea that their waiter is gay, because so are all of their favorite pop stars.
Comments: Was thought to have gone extinct sometime after the Revolution, but has recently staged a comeback, thanks in part to the preservation efforts of Dutch and German tourists.
Brevis Capillus
Moscow Office Manager
Distinguishing features: Short hairdo style cut at a second-rate parikmakherskaya; business suit; stern expression underneath layers of makeup; late 20s, but looks like a 35-year-old who looks good for her age; divorced with one child.
Habitat: Demokratichny cafes after work; Che, Propaganda, and Real McCoy's when they really want to get laid.Danger if Provoked: High. Brevis Capillus has been on edge ever since she realized her former husband was not a prince on a white stallion. Men who take her home but don't call her back can expect to get an earfull. Young pretty girls who work in her office can expect to get harassed and eventually fired.
Mortal Weaknesses: Flowers and compliments. She always falls for a man who offers to take her to Hurgada for a week.
Aequoris Capitus
The Okhranik
Distinguishing features: Large, perfectly flat head; usually wears a dark suit and keeps thick hands in front of his stomach, close to pistol; high-tech earpiece; fond of saying ‘Âû êóäà!'
Habitat: Lobbies; in front of club entrances; passenger seat of expensive cars with sirens.
Danger if Provoked: Extremely high. Aequoris Capitus is highly sensitive to the slightest provocation, especially violations of his private space by other male species. Use utmost caution. Mortal Weaknesses: Short Jewish businessmen with cash. Comments: While Aequoris Caputis may not have specific fighting skills, he more than makes up for this with sheer thickness of body and mind.
His rank in the pack is based on denying access to whatever he's protecting to as many people as possible.
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