Habitat: Once widely distributed, currently only found in London, First Class lounge in Sheremetyevo-2, and Matrosska Tishina.
Danger if Provoked: Was once thought to be high. Then packs of siloviki intruded on Sudoris Calvitium's territory, wiping out or expelling most of the ancient herds.
Mortal Weaknesses: Tall Slavic blond women.
Comments: Scientists are still debating the sudden and alarming decline of Sudoris Calvitium. While many attribute their declining population to global warming, others blame the re-introduction of packs of siloviki for nearly wiping them out.
Exactora Minuta
Trolleybus Conductor
Distinguishing features: Orange vest, cheap knit hat, valenki, badly nourished hair cut short and often dyed purple or yellow; holding tickets and small change. Thick body mass evolved in order to allow Exactora Minuta to push through crowds.
Habitat: A seat usually next to the middle trolleybus door. No Exactora Minuta has ever been spotted off of a trolleybus, although migratory habits suggest she comes from podmoskovie.
Danger if Provoked: High. Passengers who are caught without exact change might get hissed at, as will young passengers who don't yet have that dour, defeated trolleybus expression.
Comments: Exactora Minuta's continued and unfettered existence, unchanged from the Soviet era from which she evolved, is a testament to her hearty and durable nature. In fact, many scientists now believe that if a nuclear holocaust were to occur, Exactora Minuta would not only survive, she would probably thrive, since every last surviving human would finally acquire that trolleybus facial expression that Exactora Minuta relishes.
Meretrica Provincialis
Manezh Mall Rat
Distinguishing features: 15-year-old teenie bopper from the edge of Moscow who tries to look like she's a 23-year-old kept moll. Excessive make-up applied badly, fake designer jeans and t-shirts that promote clothing labels she clearly can't afford. Is usually extremely attractive in a trashy, Jersey-by-way-of-Moscow way.
Habitat: Manezh mall all year around, the Manezh fountain during summertime since she is drawn to fountains like moths to light.
Danger if Provoked: Potential unwanted pregnancy. If you approach Meretrica Provincialis and provoke her in any way, she will likely get drunk and have unprotected sex with you.
Mortal Weaknesses: Ice cream; lunch money; men three times their age who are willing to buy them something in Froggy or Mexx. Comments: Metetrica Provincialis comes to the Manezh from one of the massive decaying outer-Moscow residential projects. She strolls all day in the three-level mall, shops but doesn't buy anything, and hopes to get noticed by a potential suitor.
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