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Field Guide To Moscow

Skholnitsa Statutoria

School Graduate

Distinguishing features: Outgrown school uniform-turned-mini dress, red sash, bouquet, piercing giggle, frequent blushing in presence of older men and teachers.

Habitat: A herd animal, Shkolnitsa Statitoria is commonly sighted waiting in line at McDonald's to buy 4 ruble softserve. Generally seen holding hands with other Skholnitsa Statutorias in late May at main squares, fountains and metro stations and writing SMSes to determine the location of any missing members of the pack.

Danger if Provoked: Low. The Skholnitsa Statutoria generally provokes more than is provoked. If cornered alone in an unfamiliar environment, she will say no but mean yes.

Mortal Weaknesses: Pimply boys who are more interested in playing guitar than talking with them, downloading ring tunes, Mark Ames.

Podmosquovious Equiphilius

Horse Ride Girl

Distinguishing features: Late teens girl from podmoskvie; usually smokes and drinks canned Gin Tonic; Rynok parka; riding a horse that's mangy, with ribs showing, and patches of raw flesh around the saddle.

Habitat: Central Moscow's sidewalks on weekend nights, often very late, usually in pairs or threes.

Danger if Provoked: Low. Podmosquovius Equiphilius is either too drunk or too focused on making a 100r-spot to be bothered. Nothing can scare the horse at this point.

Mortal Weaknesses: Dudes with souped-up Ladas who offer them a ride. Sweet canned cocktail beverages. Podmosquovius Equiphilius grew up around horses, but she's no PETA activist. Like a mamochka, she pimps her horse out to drunken guys.

Copula Absenta

The Missing Link

Distinguishing features: This creature's existence has been posited by theoretical anthropologists, yet it has never been seen or recorded. The drawing above is an artist's rendition of what scientists believe happens to Russian chicks in that mysterious pupal metamorphosis from hot, thin, sexy babe to terrifyingly squat nose guard.

Habitat: N/A. Scientists believe that hot Russian chicks secretly migrate to a hidden location in the Urals for the metamorphosis phase, and camouflage themselves as Lada Zhiguli hatchbacks.

Danger if Provoked: Not recommended. Could lead to unpleasant rape.

Mortal Weaknesses: No known weaknesses, or hypothetical weaknesses. So far, scientists have no idea how to lure Copula Absenta out of her hiding.

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(Taken from "the eXile", Moscow-based alternative newspaper)

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